Inner Critic

Everyone has an inner critic.  It’s that voice in your head that tells you what you’ve done wrong, how it’s wrong, how stupid you are to have done something wrong, and how you’ll never be able to do anything right.  Sound familiar?  I read a book recently titled Women Food and God by Geneen Roth, and she refers to that inner critic as The Voice.  In her book she says

“Everyone has The Voice.  It’s a developmental necessity.  You need to learn not to put your hands in fire, walk into oncoming traffic, stick electrical wires into water.  You need to learn that you probably won’t be welcomed into other people’s houses if you throw food on their walls or put snakes in their beds.  When external authority figures such as parents, teachers or family members communicate verbal and nonverbal instructions about physical and emotional survival, we coalesce those voices into one voice – The Voice – by a process called introjection (internalizing authority figures).

According to developmental psychologists, The Voice is fully operative in most of us by the time we are four years old, after which it functions as a moral compass, a deterrent to questionable behavior.  Instead of being afraid of the disapproval of our parents, we become afraid of the disapproval of The Voice.  Instead of being punished for daring to disagree with ou mothers or fathers, we adults punish ourselves for daring to believe that our lives could be different.  We become risk aversive.  Frightened of change.

The Voice steps in when we want to challenge the status quo.”

This happens to everyone in some way.  I find I notice it the most in my life with relation to music.  Practicing is necessarily a challenge to the status quo.  Practicing, at its best, forces us to be aware of what is wrong and then to change it.  Where The Voice, or the inner critic, comes in, is when things are not perfect and you feel like a loser because of it.  Rather than just recognizing an objective fact (that note was out of tune) and correcting it, it becomes a value judgment on you as a person (that note was out of tune, I never play in tune, everything’s out of tune, I’m terrible, why do I even bother?).

Unfortunately, it’s difficult to make The Voice go away.  The best thing to do is to take away The Voice’s gavel and give it a clip board – make the inner critic, The Voice, a scientist and not a judge.  Scientists observe results without making value judgements.  If we set up this experiment, this is the result.  If we set up the same variables, the results repeat.  If we have a specific goal in mind (playing a note in tune), we alter a variable to achieve a different result.  The Voice simply makes observations regarding the efficacy of the “experiment.”  If the variables did not produce the desired results, The Voice registers that fact and suggests altering a variable and repeating the experiment.  When the desired result is achieved, The Voice notes that fact and we repeat the same thing a few more times to make sure the results stay the same.

This change, making The Voice a scientific observer rather than a judge, has been one of the most important things I’ve done in the last year.  It makes practicing more efficient, predictable, and enjoyable.  I don’t come out of a practice session feeling destroyed by my perceived inability to improve.  This is not to say I never get frustrated.  I do.  It just happens less often, and, when it does happen, I no longer feel like a hopeless loser.

Stamina

stamina |ˈstamənə|
noun
the ability to sustain prolonged physical or mental effort

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about stamina.  The definition from the dictionary on my computer is shown above.  My own personal definition of the word is “staying power.”  As a musician, you need different kinds of stamina.  The obvious one is physical stamina, or the ability to play or sing for extended periods of time.  Mental stamina is also neccessary.  Musicians have to be able to focus for long periods of time at one sitting, but also the stamina to rehash the same material again and again and again until it’s as close to perfections as possible.  Stamina to continue working despite setbacks.

Recently I’ve had a bit of a setback.  I had some weird issue where my hands and feet were swollen and my joints hurt really badly.  The blood tests at the doctor’s office came back that my inflammation markers were elevated.  Playing the violin hurt.  Standing hurt.  Sitting hurt.  Existing hurt.  So, I couldn’t practice for a bit until the inflammation was back under control.  That started in mid-April and it took until June or so for me to be able to practice without pain.  Taking time off from playing, and then only practicing small amounts for two or three months takes a toll on physical stamina as well.  It’s taken most of June and part of July for me to ramp back up to be able to play for several hours a day without hurting.

So, if you are recovering from injury or illness and trying to recover your physical stamina, or just never had much and need to increase it, here is what I did.  I set a goal for how many hours a day I wanted to practice.  I’d been getting in about one hour a day after I recovered from whatever weird thing was wrong with me.  So, I increased my time to two hours a day, split up into three chunks.  The first and last chunk I practiced for 30 minutes each, and the middle one was an hour.  My schedule allows me to practice once in the morning and twice in the afternoon.  (If you need to take it slower, maybe increase to an hour and a half the first week, with two practice sessions, then increase to three the next week.)  The following week, I made sure that one of my 30 minute sessions became 45 minutes, and tried to get both of them to 45 minutes.  I believe I stuck with that schedule for two weeks.  By the following week I was able to consistently play for three hours a day.  I like to spread out my practicing throughout the day to give my muscles a break between practice sessions.  If that isn’t possible, it is important to take a 10-15 minute break every hour.  Muscles, particularly when subjected to a work load they’ve never done before, or haven’t in quite a while, need time to rest to recover their energy.  Hydration is important while practicing.  I always keep a bottle or cup of water handy.  Mini-breaks to get a drink also are helpful.  Not only are breaks necessary for your muscles, but your mind benefits from these as well.  Short breaks during a long session can increase stamina dramatically, and allow you to accomplish much more than if you pushed yourself without a break.

Verner/Hardy Wedding

I played for a small wedding and reception this morning. It was probably the most fun I’ve had at someone else’s wedding, and I was working. It was a very small guest list and an intimate ceremony and reception. Michael came with me and we both had a great time. They made us feel like part of the family.  The bride, Sharon, had sent me a list of requested songs that she and her parents wanted to hear.  These included hymns and traditional Irish tunes.  Her dad is an Irishman by birth, so he was especially excited to hear the Irish tunes.  Sharon’s parents, and Sharon as well until very recently, have been missionaries in Thailand and Cambodia.  Her father performed the ceremony and gave a very good sermon as part of the wedding.  He’s a kick to listen to.  The groom, Doug, was also very nice, though I didn’t have as much opportunity to visit with him.  I feel like I’ve known these people for a long time, rather than just having met them all this morning for the first time.  It was such a good time.

Small/Cunningham Wedding

Yesterday my friend Aline and I had the priveledge of performing for the wedding ceremony of Mirinda Small and Jay Cunningham.  It took place in the Fort Wright Chapel in Spokane.  It is a cute little chapel and was a lovely ceremony.  Overall, the musical aspects of the ceremony went off pretty well with only one small hitch.  The ceremony itself was very nice, and spiced with humorous comments from the officiant.  He was quite a character.  It was a nice tone to set to the beginning of a marriage – full of laughter, joy, and love.  It was a fun wedding to attend and participate in, and I wish Mirinda and Jay the best as they begin their married life!

Spokane Symphony Audition

Yesterday afternoon I auditioned for the substitute list for the Spokane Symphony.  I took a lesson last week with Mateusz Wolski, the concertmaster.  The lesson went well and helped me get more prepared for the audition than I would have been otherwise.  Overall I felt pretty good about the audition.  There were a few rough patches, particularly in the concerto that I played.  My finger slipped off the fingerboard at one point, which shook me up a bit.  The excerpt that I was having the most trouble with went the best of the three things I played.  The other excerpt wasn’t as smooth as I know I can play it.  Auditions are always interesting.  I felt I played better at my audition for the Mid-Columbia Symphony than I did yesterday.  I didn’t get nervous for this audition until I was on the stage.  Most auditions for professional orchestras are blind (there is a curtain between the auditionee and the people hearing the audition).  Since yesterday’s audition was for the sub list, it was not a blind audition.  I’ve decided that I prefer blind auditions.  I seem to be able to control my nerves better when people aren’t staring at me.  But, it’s all a journey and a learning experience.  I still haven’t heard anything from them, which I’m inclined to think is not a good thing, but they are in the middle of preparing for a concert, so all is not lost.

Taylor Proposal

Last night I provided music for a proposal.  The now groom-to-be, Michael, had planned out the evening weeks in advance.  I acted as a strolling violinist, while twelve servers brought twelve red roses to the table.  At the end, their server brought out the ring on a plate and Michael got down on one knee and proposed.  And she said yes.

Playing in a restaurant was a new and different experience.  There were some interesting logistics involved, but it all worked out fine in the end.  Overall it was  good experience, and it’s always fun to add the extra something to a special evening.